When you just can’t commit to any more

I’ve said here before that I am very much an all or nothing person. Currently (well, a few days ago) I was actively trying to be frugal, lose weight, get active, work, live, and do all that other gubbins.

It all started to crumble around me, so I sat and had a word with myself, wondering how I could figure it out.

The one thing that ties a handful of my commitments together is binge eating. Binge eating costs me a lot of money; it makes me gain weight; it stops me from doing a lot of things.

So by focussing on my bingeing, perhaps the other commitments will start to fall into line gradually. I have never seen anyone about the way I eat; it embarrasses me too much. This is a take-a-deep breath post really; I’ve not really admitted this much outside conversations I have with myself when I’m alone in my car. So, I’m not claiming to have an eating disorder but I do have a disordered relationship with food.

I can eat upwards of 1-2000 calories in a single binge, binges can occur usually twice but sometimes three-four times a day. Bad days have been known where I would consume probably 5000 calories a day. I eat my feelings, I eat my boredom, I eat just because it’s a habit. I eat alone in my car, or when Mr AF isn’t here, or if he’s gone to bed early.

It costs a lot of money to do this, and makes me incredibly unhappy. When I finish the month with no money and half a stone heavier than I started it, that feeling spirals downwards.

I am on an eating plan currently to try to address some of the bingeing issues, and I am very proud to say that I am on my fourth binge free day! Each day like that is a big celebration for me. I’m starting to feel a little more in control but I am aware that I have a long road to travel. It feels nice that my debit card isn’t getting friction burn from being in and out of my purse constantly. My skin is clearing up gradually and my weight is stable.

I felt that everything in my life was falling apart really, that I couldn’t cope with anything. It seems almost funny now, that when I picked the thread apart it was really only one issue causing the others to collapse.

I even took a jumper back for a refund because I realised that I just didn’t love it enough.

Let’s see where it leads.

A Train of Thought

This week has been trying, to say the very least.

New work hours threw me out.

Blindingly bad headaches. One of which I have right now.

Mr AF trapping Millie’s tail in the back door, necessitating surgery, bandages, tablets.

Oh and a sexy little chest infection to boot.

Do you ever feel that some weeks just conspire against you? I’ve gained weight this week too, which just really put the cherry on things. I like to be in control and when one bit spirals out of control, I let go of the rest too. I really need to get out of this all-or-nothing mentality that has every goal I have in its grip.

So, my aspiring frugaldom has gone a wee bit awry this week! I have £20 and some shrapnel in my current account (all bills are paid thankfully) and £60 in my groceries account to last two weeks. I’d like the grocery money to stretch to two shops which is distinctly possible, but it’s not the end of the world if I go a little over as payday is on the second grocery shop day. The money has gone on thoughtless frittering, ‘treats’ that I thought I deserved (and probably also explains the poundage I’ve gained’. I was adamant I was going to pay for a month at the gym but I’ve decided that can wait for another two weeks. Running in the dark hasn’t done me any harm so far!

I’m following the couch to 5k program at the moment and I was up to week four before my chest infection hit. With no small amount of trepidation I tried to run yesterday and after a coughing fit decided to wind it back a week, so I’m working on week three again. I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything though as despite the coughing I still put in my best pace yet. I’m lucky enough that my Dad invested in proper gait analysis and running shoes for me (hyper mobile joints and an old knee and hip injury made this a sensible course of action) so running now doesn’t cost me anything. Well… I call it running. It’s probably closer to a bouncy walk.

So, this week’s to do is basically, get back in control and try not to spend any damned money. Keep running. Keep going, keep trying.